He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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