Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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