It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Houston, we have a squirter
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
