how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
