woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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