Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
