Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
