pop tarts are not kleenex
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
