So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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