You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
