my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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