it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
