So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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