life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
