i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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