Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
