she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
