Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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