Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
