we have pet lesbian snakes
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
