toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
