I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
