dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
