Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
