I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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