My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
