I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
