I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
