Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
