apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
