sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it was like eating out sand paper
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
