I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
