bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
