the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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