i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
