Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
