i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
