I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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