Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
