She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
