I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
