so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Ladies don't puke and tell
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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