I need to stop coming to work sober
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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