I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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