cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
