it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
