I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
