My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
