During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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