that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
