so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
