I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
