I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
